Toothbrush - Free freebies sample toothpaste

Independent on Sunday, The - OBSERVATORY

ASK, AND RECEIVE

Want a whole cartload of freebies? Then become a professional sycophant like Tom Locke. He wondered what he could get if he wrote letters to firms teling them how their products had transformed his life, etc, and asking for some freebies. The one to Pfizer was typical: "Dear Sir or Madam: I am in love with your Purel hand sanitiser. Never before have I thought that a product composed primarily of alcohol could actually moisturise my hands. Your hand sanitiser does just that...I am a free sample 'addict', and I'd like samples of any/every product you have. Thank you. Tom Locke, hygiene enthusiast." On 24 February, he sent off 100 such transparently craven messages, and within days, samples were winging their way to his home in the States. So far, he's received chewing gum, toothpaste, mouthwash, a stick of lip balm, pens, pencils, stickers, four cans of compressed air (worth $32), a tube of cold preventative, and nine tea bags' plus vouchers for things like hamburgers and energy drinks worth a total of $29.12. Out of 100 firms propositioned, 10 sent rejections, 16 despatched freebies, and 74 have yet to reply. Cost of stamps: $39' value of freebies: $114.61.

A FINE MESS

A new world record may well have been set by a Swedish man. The city of Stockholm recently did an audit of outstanding parking fines, and discovered one man had amassed no fewer than 1,583 unpaid parking tickets. He owes a total of pounds 127,146.65.

UNHOLY PRIEST

In the Romanian town of Costesti, a priest and a councilor were rivals. Did the man of God show charity and kindliness? No, he persuaded a comely parishioner of 17 to seduce the 74-year-old councilor on the church's altar, filmed these unpleasant manoeuvres, and then showed them to his flock, certain they would demand the old man resign. But, the congregation were so outraged at their priest's home movie they chased him out of the church and caled the police. Father Petrica Florea is now wanted for attempted blackmail. Truly, God moves in a mysterious way his wonders to perform.

MOPV PLUNGER

The room maids at Siesta Motor Lodge in Charleston, South Carolina are nothing if not tenacious. Last week, in a dispute over the whereabouts of some toilet paper, two of them came to blows. One was armed with a mop, the other a toilet plunger. Doloris Smith, the mop wielder, won, but has subsequently been charged with "assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature". The plunger lady was taken to hospital.

CARTOON MADNESS

Here's a bit of a turnup: Tom and Jerry cartoons are a Jewish conspiracy cooked up by the evil Zionist Disney Corporation. This is the considered view of Professor Hasan Bolkhari, cultural adviser to the Iranian education ministry. He told viewers of the country's Channel 4 that Adolf Hitler created an association between Jews and mice and that "the Jewish Walt Disney Company" made Tom and Jerry "in order to change the Europeans' perception of mice...". While in noway wishing to cast aspersions on the professor's credentials, we should like to point out that: a) Walt Disney was not Jewish, b) not he, but Hanna Barbera made Tom and Jerry, and c) Nazi propaganda referred to rats and not mice. Apart from that, professor, spot on.

A HANDY TALENT

Frighteningly precocious children of the week award goes to the Veena Vadini School in Madhya Pradesh, India. Most of the pupils, none older than eight, have learnt several languages. They have also learnt how to write simultaneously with both hands. And many can write in two different languages, with either hand - at the same time.

CHICKEN COVER-UP

The onward march of offence addicts continues apace. In the town of Roslindale, Massachusetts there is a shop caled Pet Cabaret, and in its window a range of dog chew toys, including a rubber chicken. The other day, just before closing time, a man rang the store to complain about the "naked chickens" in its window. He said he would be making a formal complaint to the mayor's office about this "pornographic material", and asked the owner how he could possibly walk his children past such an indecent display. The store did point out that the chicken's modesty was covered by a polka dot bikini, but it was al to no avail. Cover up those shameless piano legs now.